my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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