This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
