Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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