so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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