my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
