Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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