i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
