I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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