i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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