Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
