Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
