We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
