Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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