I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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