Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
