Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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