Got a toothbrush?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize