My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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