Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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