I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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