Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it hurts more in the daytime
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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