I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize