I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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