We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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