i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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