When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
