Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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