my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize