Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize