There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
