Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
