So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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