I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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