You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
