My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
