My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
