There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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