I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
