Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
