Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
