your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
