why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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