I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
