ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
