He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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