We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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