No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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