can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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