I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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