oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
