Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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