OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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