Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize