Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
