Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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