They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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