I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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