I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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