Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
